The haunted treadmill

If you listened to my audioblog post, you know I did actually make it to the gym yesterday, albeit not until closer to 8 am than 7 am. I got on the treadmill for a little more than 30 minutes - long enough to burn, according to the treadmill's computer, 344 calories. Considering I was not running on the treadmill, but rather walking at a brisk 4.2 miles per hour, one might wonder how I could burn so many calories in such a short time. Well, weight has something to do with it - I don't weigh a mere 105 pounds as does my girlfriend and workout partner. But the main factor in the high number of calories expended was that I walked at a rather significant incline of 5 to 7 percent. I have found that it actually hurts my knee less to walk on an incline than on the flat. It also works the gluteus maximus and hamstrings more. So I try to trudge along as long as possible at varying inclines, from 3 percent all the way to 10 percent (the treadmill's maximum), usually settling at about 5 percent for most of my walk.

Yesterday, the treadmill was obviously possessed by demons. I cranked up the incline to 3 percent for a few minutes, then to 5 percent, where I trekked along for about 10 minutes. I notched it up another percent for about 2 minutes, then notched it back down to about 3 percent for the last bit of my walk. The motor made noises, but the treadmill didn't lower. I hit the button to lower it again. Again noises, but no lowering took place. The pragmatic side of my brain realized that if the computer thought I was walking at a zero incline, it was not properly calculating my calories, given that I was still actually walking at a 6 percent incline, so I hit the button to incline it until the computer again read 6 percent. Oddly, the silly machine actually inclined even further! This machine was obviously playing games with me! How dare it! I would show it who was boss! So, I notched it up another percentage point, then tried to "dis-incline" it once again. It didn't lower. "Perhaps if I take it to its max, it will then have to lower", I said to myself (by this time I was saying a lot of things to myself). I told the computer to go all the way - 10 percent incline! It obeyed. Victory was mine! I directed the computer to lower the treadmill back to zero. The motor cranked and hummed, but the treadmill didn't budge. I was now climbing the equivalent of Mt. Everest at a much too brisk pace of4.2 miles per hour. I was burning calories at an insane rate, but the computer thought I was just strolling along the Bonneville Salt Flats. It was time for drastic measures. I hit the stop button. Finally, the treadmill began its descent. Finally, the surface was at zero percent. I had exorcised the demon. Since I had only hiked for about 22 minutes before the demonic possession of the treadmill, I hopped back on and continued walking for about 9 more minutes - long enough to listen to Barry White and the Love Unlimited Orchestra's Love's Theme twice on my CD player. I was careful to keep the incline in the Salt Flats mode for the duration of my walk, not seeking a repeat encounter with the treadmill demon. The end result was that I burned 344 calories, according to the computer, though the fact that I was hiking Everest while the computer thought I was out for a stroll through Central Park, means I certainly burned many more calories than even that.

Now, it's 6:39 am... time to head to the gym again. This time I'll lift weights, then do some walking. I think I'll try a different treadmill today.