Whose body is this, anyway?

I am, without equivocation, in the worst shape of my life. I am heavier than I've ever been, with the exception of when I was pregnant. I walk by the full length mirror in my bathroom and avert my eyes, not wanting to admit that the body passing in front of them is mine. When did this happen? When did my body become my grandmother's? This is sad. Until about three years ago, I was much fitter than the average woman my age. I worked out 5 to 6 days a week lifting weights and doing cardio. I watched my diet most of the time and maintained the same weight for the past 10 or so years. I've been a size 7/8 or 9/10 for most of my life. The 7/8 was harder to maintain and I usually found myself reverting to a 9/10 each winter. But the difference in weight between those two sizes for me was just 10 pounds, an amount I could usually drop fairly easily with just a little extra effort. Now I'm finding myself pulling 12's off the rack and it is not a good thing.

So, how did this change come about? I started working two jobs. The library went through a very tough stretch financially and wages were frozen. Not only that, but we were laid off for two weeks one year. The outlook was grim so I knew if I wanted to improve my income level, I had to take on another job. I found I was spending 9 hours a day at work most days, meaning I was putting in 45 hours a week and only getting paid for 40, so I decided to go to 4 ten-hour days at the library, freeing that fifth day to work for a company in town as their network administrator. I was now going to get paid for all the hours I worked. The only problem was, working from 8AM to 6PM every day made getting to the gym a lot harder. By the time my husband left for work and I got my stuff together for the day, I was lucky to get to the gym by 7AM. That left one hour to workout, shower, dress and drive to work. A few weeks of attempting to conform to this schedule left me frustrated and exhausted. I often went back to bed after my husband left for work instead of hitting the gym. Week after week, month after month, the pounds crept up on me. Suddenly I was 20 pounds heavier. I'm lucky - I'm 5' 10" so 20 pounds doesn't look nearly as bad as it would if I were only 5' 4", but it still showed. I started watching my diet carefully and dropped ten pounds, but it was short-lived. The stress of working two jobs and now being on call at two places 12+ hours a day, 7 days a week, made sticking to my diet almost impossible. Back came the ten pounds. It wasn't that bad at first, but the missed workouts have resulted in a radical change in body composition. I have lost a lot of muscle and gained at least as much fat. It's not a pretty picture, especially naked in front of that full length mirror. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would say I look just fine, might find the more voluptuous me more attractive than the thinner me, but that's with clothes on. I get to see the naked version, the pooch in the lower abdomen where there once existed an enviably flat tummy, the cellulite in places I never knew could have cellulite, the double chin if I hold my head just right, the dreaded roll when I put on certain pairs of jeans. It's not a pretty picture.

I could blame genetics. My paternal grandmother (now deceased) and aunt have beautiful, Rubenesque figures. They're Italian, for crying out loud. Neither is what I would call fat. They have hourglass figures. Aunt Enis, for as long as I can recall, has had a voluptuous, Sophia Loren and Gina Lollabrigida figure. Grandma was always busty, even as a young woman. Neither ever had fat bellies. They are not your apple shape, nor pear shaped. They both have broad shoulders, strong thighs, strong backs, and lots of curves. I think I've inherited their shapes, only in a taller package. Grandma was fairly short - maybe 5'3" or 5'4". Aunt Enis is probably 5'5" or 5'6". My youngest sister is built very much like both of them, only much thinner - so far.

I have no idea what my genetics on my mom's side of the family are. My mom died a month after her 40th birthday. Her mother died 5 days before I was born . She was in her 40's as well (both deaths were self-inflicted, sadly). My mom only had brothers, one of whom is still living. He and I do share the same build in our legs and gluteus maximus - and that is not a good thing for either of us. I know my mom struggled with her weight a bit in her mid-30's, but she stayed pretty much the same weight most of her adult life and she was pretty average. She was 5'6" and had a nice, proportionate figure. I find myself wondering if Mom would have gained weight and struggled with losing it once she hit her late 40's and early 50's. She was never one to exercise - she loathed exercise in most any form. I don't loathe it, but unless it's exercise via a sport I like, like golf, I am not thrilled about it most of the time. I view it as a necessary evil. I used to enjoy running, but my knees didn't. I really need to have a bunch of crunchy cartilage removed from both knees, and doing so would likely allow me to run again, but the expense involved in doing so is not something I'm willing to undertake just now. Knowing me, I'll have to find myself unable to walk or get out of a chair before I'll have surgery. Because of my knees, I can't do lunges or leg presses at the gym. I do miss doing those exercises. Lunges are arguably the best leg and butt shapers you can do. I used to do 4 sets of 8 reps of lunges with 185 pounds on my shoulders. That's probably part of the reason my knees are such a mess. But my butt was tiny then, and my thighs were strong and lean.

So, the question is, what will it take to motivate me to go back to the gym regularly and really start eating better (especially when it comes to portion control)? Do I have to go up another size before I do something? Do I have to have some health scare? I hope not. I tell myself every day "okay, today I'm going to go workout" and then I find some other activity to occupy my time, like blogging. Time to stop doing that. I need a workout partner. The times I've been the most consistent, the most successful in the gym and diet areas, are when I've had workout partners that are counting on me to be there, that are holding me accountable. I need to make that happen again. Doing so may entail me switching gyms. The one I go to has a total of 6 people who workout in the mornings and 5 of them are guys. My best friend is the 6th person, but she and I can't workout together. She's 5'3" and I'm 5'10" and I'm a lot stronger than she is. We spend half our workout switching weights and equipment positions. It's just too frustrating and time consuming. No, I need to find someone who will MAKE me workout, and workout hard. That is my goal for the coming weeks. Find a partner, get to the gym regularly, start taking care of Gina. I don't like this hourglass figure. I'd much rather have my long, lean, strong body back.