I guess I don't fit in

I love my blog community. I have made "friends" with some really great people via blogging. I put the word "friends" in quotes because, for the most part, we don't really know anything about each other except what each of us chooses to reveal about ourselves in our posts and comments. There are some exceptions, of course (I know Rosemary in real life, and we really are friends), but most of the folks whose blogs are listed on my blog roll are people I've never met, and probably never will meet. And though I don't necessarily believe a friend has to be someone you've met in person, the level of intimacy we share - or don't share - with our blog buddies is certainly going to be different than that shared with someone with whom you interact in real life.

In our blog world, we can ponder our words before we "speak" them. We can spend as long as we want on a post, editing it until it has just the right ring to it. (Some of us don't bother exercising that option, and post like we speak - without editing or thinking. That would be me, by the way.) We can moderate the image we present to the blog world. We don't usually have those options in real life. Like it or not, in real life, we are judged on many levels - appearance, manner of speech, personality, and so on. We communicate via body language, tone, inflection, and myriad other means, things not necessarily spoken aloud. Some of us have a tendency to respond without sufficient time to consider our words, and in the process, hurt or alienate others.

So, where am I going with all this? Growing up, in real life, I often felt as though I didn't quite fit in. I was not one of the popular kids, though I was liked, and well-known, by most of my classmates. But I didn't do the things popular kids did. I didn't wear the clothes popular kids did. I was just different. Part of me embraced this "differentness", part of me longed to be "one of the crowd." In the end, I realized that being different was best, usually. Today, I am still different in so many ways. And most of the time, I thrive on that. But that adolescent need to belong gnaws at me more often than I care to admit. In certain situations, when I realize I don't fit in, I keep my mouth shut. Anyone who knows me in real life will find their jaw dropping in disbelief. "Gina, quiet? Yeah, right." Remember, I'm Italian. We're not known for being a quiet people. In fact, parlare prima che lei pensa, fortemente e con molti gesti, (speak before you think, loudly and with many gestures) is the country motto, isn't it? But if I realize, for example, that my point of view is the minority position, I zip it right up. I'm a coward. I want to be liked, so I keep my opinions to myself when I'm in "hostile territory".

Work is sometimes hostile territory. My political and spiritual beliefs put me in the minority. There are two other people, out of 40 employees, who have political and spiritual leanings similar to mine. Interestingly, my best friend is not one of the two. She and I have diametrically opposed views on both politics and religion, but we are friends who respect each other's positions and don't demean or denigrate them to each other. On the other hand, on a daily basis, several of my coworkers make snide, derogatory remarks about those of my political, and even religious, persuasion. I just bite my tongue. They know where I stand. If they don't respect me as a person enough to refrain from bashing those with opposing viewpoints in my presence, well.... it's not worth it. Besides, I hate confrontation on these topics. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. And I want to fit in, so I keep quiet. I'm a coward.

Even among my blog friends, I find myself in the minority. And like the coward that I am, I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to argue with my friends. I don't want them to stop liking me because I have a different opinion about politics, the president, the war, religion. I am back in high school, seeking approval and acceptance. What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this need? Why can't I just be brave enough to speak my mind, voice my dissenting opinion, and suffer the consequences? I am a coward. And why do I have so little faith in my blog friends that I assume they will abandon me if I disagree with them? That is the real question, isn't it? Do I have that little faith in people, or in myself? Do I believe that whether or not I am liked is dependent upon my agreeing with them? I apologize to all of you for even entertaining that notion. It is a reflection on me, not you. But I do struggle with that fear.

So, in the interest of full disclosure, here goes. I am a Republican. I am a Christian. I am not a right-wing conservative who thinks everything the administration does, or has done, is right. I do think for myself. But I don't think everything the administration does, or has done, is wrong either. While I think the war has turned out to be a big mess, and a whole different kettle of fish than anyone imagined, I don't necessarily believe we were wrong for going there in the beginning, and I don't believe everything we hear in the media is unbiased or that we're getting the whole story. But I also don't even pretend to have any idea how to proceed now, unlike so many Hollywood stars. I will leave that to the military experts - and last time I checked, that list did not include Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins.

I am not an ultra-conservative fundamentalist Christian who believes that everyone who believes differently than I do is going to fry in Hell. I try to be the kind of Christian I believe Jesus taught us to be - one who truly loves his fellow man, who reserves the judgment of others to God, who strives to serve the Lord in all I do, and who fails miserably daily, but who continues to try. I am one who doesn't believe in pointing fingers at "sinners", and lambasting them for their sinful ways, because not one of us is free of sin. Adultery is no more sinful than cheating on taxes; and Christ forgives all sins. I am one who does believe that there is eternal life, and that through Christ, I am forgiven for my sins, my failings, and my shortcomings. I also believe that, as a Christian, I have a responsibility to Christ, and to everyone, to demonstrate His love, His mercy, and His grace in everything I do. I try, but fail in that regularly too. Thankfully, He understands.

So, blog buddies, there you have it. I've come out of the closet. I love you all. I think you are talented, interesting, amazing people. I respect you all. I enjoy our friendship. But I don't always agree with you politically. I am not jumping with joy over the Dixie Chicks' Grammy win, viewing it as a sign of their vindication. I think what Natalie Maines said, at the time and place she said it, was inappropriate. But I also think the nasty, threatening letters and comments made about what she said were disgusting and uncalled for. In my opinion, it is inappropriate for any entertainer to spout their political beliefs during a performance. I would not want to have paid for a ticket to Barbra Streisand's (and she's one of my favorite singers ever) concert, only to have her lash out at Bush. I am also not thrilled when entertainers use their stardom to push their political agenda, no matter what side they're on.

In writing that, I thought back to the Vietnam War era. It was not uncommon to go to concerts and listen to the entertainers speak out against the war. So, why do I feel differently now? Back then, when you went to a Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young concert, you knew what to expect. You were aware of their anti-war stance. You don't go to a Barbra Streisand concert (and consider the demographic her audience likely consisted of), and expect an anti-Bush tirade. Well, you do now, I guess. If the Dixie Chicks had said what they'd said in the US, not London, maybe the backlash wouldn't have been so big. If she'd said it last week instead of on the eve of the invasion, no one would have batted an eyelash. It's all about timing, I guess. So, congratulations, Dixie Chicks, on the Grammy win. I'm going to hold out hope it was for great songwriting, and a great record, and not even consider the possibility that the award was politically motivated. You are great singers and songwriters. You have so much talent it's not even funny. Good for you. And to my blog buddies, thank you for being my friends. Thank you for liking me, even though I don't fit in. I trust my disclosure won't change a thing. I have faith.